My husband has been ill with an undiagnosed stomach issue for coming up to two years now. We have seen many doctors and had umpteen tests. none of which have been able to shed any light on what is actually making him ill.
The most frustrating aspect of this illness is the unpredictability. it is almost impossible to plan things because we have no idea whether he will be well enough to leave the house. This is, unsurprisingly making him feel low.
It turns out I am pretty dreadful at coping with other people’s emotions. I find it incredibly difficult to negotiate my anxiety and depression when I feel like I should be caring for my husband. This week I hid within myself. Keeping busy until there’s no energy to keep going. My Novel seemed like a colossal mountain and even five minutes of mindfulness was almost unbearable because of the barrage of negative thoughts.
Things are a little better now. We’ve spoken and decided to have an action plan for keeping positive and motivated even when he has no energy. I did manage to work on my novel this morning and sorted out a bit of dialogue which was bugging me. The first Three scenes are now completed and I’m over halfway through the fourth.
Today’s Wordcount: 519
Simultaneously feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Out at a meal today I had the tightening of a dread knot in my stomach, clumsy words and an intense desire to leave the table and never return. I’ve not felt this way in a while. This morning I didn’t find any joy in writing my novel. Uncomfortable and anxious at the epic task ahead of me.
There are a plethora of reasons I could be feeling this way. I will always jump to the worst conclusion; My depression has returned with a vengeance and I will feel this way forever. However, it is far more likely that my busy week has left me feeling just a little run down. Not to mention a dramatic bus ride home in which I hugged a crying little girl as her drunken dad picked a fight.
I’ve avoided practising mindfulness and pilates, two activities that force me to pause in the day. Instead, I’ve been bulldozing through, sidestepping any silence. I have a check list for such scenarios.
- Tell the husband and support network
- Figure out what I’m feeling and why
- Practice self-care
- If things do not improve go to the doctor
- Address pressures and anxieties
- Look at Schedule to make sure I’m not pushing myself too hard.
- practise good sleep hygiene
- Eat regular healthy meals and snacks
- Keep to a consistent routine
- Leave the house at least once a day
- Practice Mindfulness
Word count since the last post: 1209
Today’s word count: 365
Today has been a sleeping day. I had a mild asthma attack last night and like a good little patient, followed my asthma plan, and headed to the doctor’s this morning. I’ve started my course of steroids which bring a whole lot of side effects added to the exhaustion of asthma.
So yes I am grumpy and frustrated. Grustrated?
I did manage a bit of plotting today. Essentially just typing up notes but it still counts.
Today’s Wordcount: 221
Back to writing group tonight. The homework this week was to write a ‘hook’. I am supposed to make the reader irresistibly hooked within the first couple of sentences. The tutor told said to make it as shocking as we wanted.
I am being ever so brave and bringing in the first paragraph of my novel. I fiddled with it a bit today and swapped scenes around to have the reader jump straight into the action.
Wish me luck
Today’s Word-count: 142
Yesterday consisted solely of running around after my niece. She is flipping adorable. We had the best day together. It consisted of throwing food about the place, reading books, going to the park, singing songs, rolling around on the bed, signing along with Mr Tumble, chasing cats, running around in a circle and two really good snuggly naps. After that, I fell into a bath and had a hell of an early night.
Today I wrote the newsletter for Crafty, It felt easier to write this week, less stressful. I actually managed to complete it within an hour.
Today’s Wordcount: 203
Again didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Asthma struck again. In the morning I kept on working on my Novel. I’m hoping one day soon I’ll be able to write a thousand words or so in a sitting like I did in my first draft. I miss that freedom.
Writing group last night was pretty fun. I read out my piece, The Golden Library, and received positive feedback. Although I was told to cut out the adverb effortlessly, which I think might be fair enough. I’ll have to take another look to see how I can get the message across without it.
I also read out a piece I found from a while ago which described having an asthma attack. It made everyone in the group feel short of breath. I’m hoping to write it up today.
Yesterday’s Wordcount: 303
Despite my best intentions, I ended up editing bits of the first scene. Though I mostly added and only took away a few words so I’m going to say it’s just fine.
This afternoon I started making a circle skirt out of gorgeous satin, then drafted up a post to show off my make, it will appear at some point along the line.
Word count: 191
I managed to scribble down a few more words of my first chapter. Today’s writing involved researching seizures. So much of my research leads me to the NHS website. It’s another work day so I’m happy I got anything down.
My cat has decided I make a fine bed and is demanding a fuss, her paws stretched up to my face. I think it’s time to give into her demands
I’m working on the ‘final’ revision of my novel. Today I wrote that tricky first scene. After writing and re-writing, and then re-re-writing the first line, I managed to get out of my own way and crack on. This is not after all a final edit, only the final revision. I’m actually pretty happy with it. However, I shan’t be looking at it again for a while so we’ll see if it changes.
Todays word-count: 507 words
My routine has been shot to hell due to various disruptions; ranging from a funeral to a nasty illness in which I slept for five days straight. It’s bee about a week since we’ve gotten back and I’m beginning to chisel back some form of routine.
Today I tackled the muddle that is the resolution of my novel. I now have a fully formed plan and am super excited to get out of the planning phase and into writing!
Not really sure what my word count is today because there’s been a lot of copying, pasting and reorganising.
Hopefully, today will be my kick start back into writing!