A Cautious Admittance 

So I just noticed that the last few blogs I’ve written have been to do with my mental health. I think this means I need to do more than simply writing to do lists.

I can plan to my hearts content but the reality is i’ve got a hell of a lot of events coming up. I’m not sure I have a quiet period til christmas.

Oh Lordy, Christmas! That’s another mountain to climb. 

I’m writing this on my phone as my Chromebook has decided to shut down at random intervals. It’s where I tend to do most of my writing. I don’t dare now for fear of losing passages mid-sentance. 

Today’s wordcount: 436, mostly the newsletter for work

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Things don’t always feel better in the morning.

 

I’m struggling. with writing, with sewing, with socialising. I’m even finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve managed to do bits of writing, but it’s the bare minimum.

I feel sad. A heavy, tiring sadness.  The melancholy is punctuated by moments of happiness. Today I saw my niece who spent the first ten minutes smiling at me and nuzzling my head with hers.

The happiness carried an undertone. We were spending the afternoon making decorations for my niece’s dedication on Sunday.  I’m feeling pretty stressed about the day.  I am going to the ceremony, and staying for tea and cakes afterwards.  This will be a stressful event as there will be a lot of people there, most of whom I don’t know.

My sister invited me to a big family meal afterwards.  There will be at least thirty people there, though I have been able to go out for food with friends, a big occasion with so many people and an unfamiliar restaurant will just be too much. I had to say no for my mental health.

It’s really really difficult making these kinds of decisions. I know my sister is disappointed. I’m trying very hard not to feel too bad about myself. The guilt is pretty overwhelming.

That day is also the only time I can see my father-in-law, for his birthday, before he goes on holiday.  I know the morning will be difficult and tiring. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to make it out the house again to see him. I feel like I’ll be betraying my sister if I do anything at all. guilt piled on guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.

Guilt piled upon guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.

Another small niggle which seems to be triggering my eating disorder issues is skipping out on a run.  I’ve recently felt well enough to start exercising again and have been trying to do Couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but, rather fittingly, couldn’t move from the couch when I got home.

So there’s my post. It’s miserable because  I’m miserable. Here’s to a less miserable week.

Today’s word count: 500

Why do I avoid Writing?

Today I wrote the second scene in a chapter. It’s far from perfect but I’m relatively happy with it. I still need to get to know this character a little more to be happy with the writing.  I’ve got the substance done now, it’s just the style I want to work on. I find it incredibly difficult to leave a section alone. However I know if I keep trying to edit throughout this draft I will never actually have a completed novel.

That being said, I managed to spend most of the day avoiding writing. I even sent boring work emails and tidied before sitting down at my computer. It was six o’clock by the time I actually began writing. I honestly do not understand why my brain does this to me. I love writing, I hate tidying.

In reality there is a simple explanation.

I feel pressure to write.

Because I feel pressure I will avoid thinking about writing and hope the words will magically appear

Avoidance can only last so long.

The end of the day nears and words I realise the words have not magically appeared.

I feel guilty and tired. I then avoid thinking about my novel some more.

Today I managed to break that cycle by actually writing before it got too late. it feels good to have gotten a little down. It would be a lot easier if I could have done this earlier in the day. It’s pretty exhausted avoiding things all day. It makes my stomach hurt.

I have been a little wobbly over the past couple of days and every little ‘failure’ has felt overwhelming.  I did not go into work today. The day in has helped me feel a little more centred and in control. Handily I received my Buddy Box the other day which has lots of lovely helpful bits in it. Also a couple of friends have sent me really lovely messages.

Thanks for reading, it helps me feel less alone.

 Today’s Word count: 674