Today feels better than yesterday. I survived social pressures of the dedication service and managed to leave relatively unscathed by well meaning relatives. I find it increasingly difficult to reply to the question how are you. particularly when i am not doing great. I tend to reply with a non-specific, ‘I’m doing ok thanks.’
It’s not a lie and certainly, or at least not a bit one. The only problem is, people want more. I’ve got nothing else to give.
Pressure is listing off me slowly. I’m hoping life will return to some semblance of normality soon. I need rest, time and a lot of space.
I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about not working on my novel or going running. I’ve not been eating as much as I should and it’s been effecting my energy levels badly.
I am trying to stop thinking about the things I have not done and focusing on the things I have done. In started with writing a post about all the items of clothing I have made so far. it was a lot of fun. Tomorrow I will write a small to do list. One which I will complete easily.
Today’s word count: 1200
I’m struggling. with writing, with sewing, with socialising. I’m even finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve managed to do bits of writing, but it’s the bare minimum.
I feel sad. A heavy, tiring sadness. The melancholy is punctuated by moments of happiness. Today I saw my niece who spent the first ten minutes smiling at me and nuzzling my head with hers.
The happiness carried an undertone. We were spending the afternoon making decorations for my niece’s dedication on Sunday. I’m feeling pretty stressed about the day. I am going to the ceremony, and staying for tea and cakes afterwards. This will be a stressful event as there will be a lot of people there, most of whom I don’t know.
My sister invited me to a big family meal afterwards. There will be at least thirty people there, though I have been able to go out for food with friends, a big occasion with so many people and an unfamiliar restaurant will just be too much. I had to say no for my mental health.
It’s really really difficult making these kinds of decisions. I know my sister is disappointed. I’m trying very hard not to feel too bad about myself. The guilt is pretty overwhelming.
That day is also the only time I can see my father-in-law, for his birthday, before he goes on holiday. I know the morning will be difficult and tiring. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to make it out the house again to see him. I feel like I’ll be betraying my sister if I do anything at all. guilt piled on guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Guilt piled upon guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Another small niggle which seems to be triggering my eating disorder issues is skipping out on a run. I’ve recently felt well enough to start exercising again and have been trying to do Couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but, rather fittingly, couldn’t move from the couch when I got home.
So there’s my post. It’s miserable because I’m miserable. Here’s to a less miserable week.
Today’s word count: 500
This morning I got up, out of bed and sat happily down at my computer. After compulsively changing wording on my previous scene I decided to word with a tried and tested method. I set an alarm for ten minutes and write any old rubbish that vaguely related to the scene.
It worked. I spent about five minutes messing about, but when the alarm went off I irritably turned it off and wrote happily for over an hour.
Today’s word count: 680
Today I wrote the second scene in a chapter. It’s far from perfect but I’m relatively happy with it. I still need to get to know this character a little more to be happy with the writing. I’ve got the substance done now, it’s just the style I want to work on. I find it incredibly difficult to leave a section alone. However I know if I keep trying to edit throughout this draft I will never actually have a completed novel.
That being said, I managed to spend most of the day avoiding writing. I even sent boring work emails and tidied before sitting down at my computer. It was six o’clock by the time I actually began writing. I honestly do not understand why my brain does this to me. I love writing, I hate tidying.
In reality there is a simple explanation.
I feel pressure to write.
Because I feel pressure I will avoid thinking about writing and hope the words will magically appear
Avoidance can only last so long.
The end of the day nears and words I realise the words have not magically appeared.
I feel guilty and tired. I then avoid thinking about my novel some more.
Today I managed to break that cycle by actually writing before it got too late. it feels good to have gotten a little down. It would be a lot easier if I could have done this earlier in the day. It’s pretty exhausted avoiding things all day. It makes my stomach hurt.
I have been a little wobbly over the past couple of days and every little ‘failure’ has felt overwhelming. I did not go into work today. The day in has helped me feel a little more centred and in control. Handily I received my Buddy Box the other day which has lots of lovely helpful bits in it. Also a couple of friends have sent me really lovely messages.
Thanks for reading, it helps me feel less alone.
Today’s Word count: 674
Today is my third wedding anniversary. I’ve had a lovely day and I am writing this as my husband is playing Dark Souls III, his anniversary present. It’s the first day I’ve felt relaxed in a couple of weeks. We played a game of Pandemic Legacy and I had fun organising my brand new sewing box.
I did not put any pressure on myself to write today and as a result I managed to write a couple of hundred words of my Flash Fiction entry. I received my issue of Writers’ Forum today so I can hopefully get on with the next on soon.
Today’s word count: 337
Just a little blog post today as it’s been a very good but exhausting. I had a great day out at a blogger’s meet up hosted by Sew Essential. It was so much fun! I started a sweet little embroidery project and had a lovely time chatting with fellow stitcher’s. I will have to rest for a very long time after this hectic week. I wrote my other blog today, and that’s it.
Today’s Word count : 116
Something is going on with my anxiety today. Things are just a bit more difficult than they should be. Town was incredibly busy today and it felt as though everyone was a threat.
No writing today, just anxiety. Flowy was a bit of a life saver tonight. I’ve no idea what tomorrow will bring.
The image is from Natalie Dee, check out more of her comics
I only wrote the first couple of sentences of a chapter today. I’m finding it very difficult to get started again. The screen hurts my eyes.
Yesterday we did the first stock take at Crafty. I spent the day counting buttons. It all sounds very fun, but after the first five tubes or so my head started to hurt. It hasn’t stopped hurting. My routine has still not settled back into place. I was in work on Tuesday and not today. I feel somewhat all over the place. One step at a time though right?
Two sentences is better than nothing.
Today’s Word count: 170
The picture of buttons is from the very talented artist Mike Savad, click on the link to see more of his work
I am a creature of habit, or perhaps more accurately, habit and routine are important aspects of my recovery. The times in my life when my routine is disrupted, inevitably lead to heightened anxiety.
That has not changed through my recovery. What has changed is the way I deal with that anxiety. I now know that the worst thing I can do is isolate myself by hiding my feelings, either by throwing myself into a project or sitting for hours (or even days) in front on the TV blocking out all thoughts, negative or positive.
The biggest struggle I have is recognising the difference between being anxious and stressed, due to a situation, and slipping back into depression. I keep having to remind myself that it is a perfectly normal to feel negative emotions and it does not mean that I am slipping.
With that in mind I am not going to give myself a hard time about missing out a few days of writing and posting. I can and will get my routine back on track.
Today I wrote the Crafty Sew & So blog post which will be published tomorrow morning. On Sunday I plan to get stuck back into my novel. Even if it’s just for an hour.
Wish me luck.
Today’s word count: 389
Today marks just over one month of me writing something, more or less, everyday. Even if it is only a brief smattering on this blog. I find the self congratulatory, and just a tiny bit smug approach works best for me, therefore I present to you this months grand total: