So I just noticed that the last few blogs I’ve written have been to do with my mental health. I think this means I need to do more than simply writing to do lists.
I can plan to my hearts content but the reality is i’ve got a hell of a lot of events coming up. I’m not sure I have a quiet period til christmas.
Oh Lordy, Christmas! That’s another mountain to climb.
I’m writing this on my phone as my Chromebook has decided to shut down at random intervals. It’s where I tend to do most of my writing. I don’t dare now for fear of losing passages mid-sentance.
Today’s wordcount: 436, mostly the newsletter for work
I’m struggling. with writing, with sewing, with socialising. I’m even finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve managed to do bits of writing, but it’s the bare minimum.
I feel sad. A heavy, tiring sadness. The melancholy is punctuated by moments of happiness. Today I saw my niece who spent the first ten minutes smiling at me and nuzzling my head with hers.
The happiness carried an undertone. We were spending the afternoon making decorations for my niece’s dedication on Sunday. I’m feeling pretty stressed about the day. I am going to the ceremony, and staying for tea and cakes afterwards. This will be a stressful event as there will be a lot of people there, most of whom I don’t know.
My sister invited me to a big family meal afterwards. There will be at least thirty people there, though I have been able to go out for food with friends, a big occasion with so many people and an unfamiliar restaurant will just be too much. I had to say no for my mental health.
It’s really really difficult making these kinds of decisions. I know my sister is disappointed. I’m trying very hard not to feel too bad about myself. The guilt is pretty overwhelming.
That day is also the only time I can see my father-in-law, for his birthday, before he goes on holiday. I know the morning will be difficult and tiring. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to make it out the house again to see him. I feel like I’ll be betraying my sister if I do anything at all. guilt piled on guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Guilt piled upon guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Another small niggle which seems to be triggering my eating disorder issues is skipping out on a run. I’ve recently felt well enough to start exercising again and have been trying to do Couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but, rather fittingly, couldn’t move from the couch when I got home.
So there’s my post. It’s miserable because I’m miserable. Here’s to a less miserable week.
Today’s word count: 500
I am a creature of habit, or perhaps more accurately, habit and routine are important aspects of my recovery. The times in my life when my routine is disrupted, inevitably lead to heightened anxiety.
That has not changed through my recovery. What has changed is the way I deal with that anxiety. I now know that the worst thing I can do is isolate myself by hiding my feelings, either by throwing myself into a project or sitting for hours (or even days) in front on the TV blocking out all thoughts, negative or positive.
The biggest struggle I have is recognising the difference between being anxious and stressed, due to a situation, and slipping back into depression. I keep having to remind myself that it is a perfectly normal to feel negative emotions and it does not mean that I am slipping.
With that in mind I am not going to give myself a hard time about missing out a few days of writing and posting. I can and will get my routine back on track.
Today I wrote the Crafty Sew & So blog post which will be published tomorrow morning. On Sunday I plan to get stuck back into my novel. Even if it’s just for an hour.
Wish me luck.
Today’s word count: 389