My week has been a whirlwind of activity. I cannot think of a single day in which I had time to rest, never mind write!
I can feel my mind becoming overloaded. Manic bursts of energy followed by pure exhaustion. Days rush past with unnatural speed. Tight cracking jaw, the frustrating insistence of a tension headache. Thoughts rush with anxious urgency then vanish with the next task. Pin pricks of guilt. Forgotten obligations.
I need space.
I need silence.
I woke up several times in the night with a swollen throat and the beginnings of migraine.
The migraine hit in full force this morning. I didn’t manage to get out of bed until around one in the afternoon. I scribbled a few words down, but I don’t know if they’ll even make it into my novel.
Today’s wordcount: 130
I may sound like a broken record but here goes anyway.
I’ve been feeling a little down recently.
I bet if I bothered to check, that phrase would be the most common throughout my blogging. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve suffered from depression for a fair while now. For the most part, I’m coping far better. but the problem is…depression doesn’t go away just because you’ve figured out all the coping mechanisms. It comes back in insidious ways. Right now my depression is taking the form of lethargy. Everything is just that bit harder to do. Particularly anything involving social pressure.
Today I managed to revise a couple of scenes before succumbing to exhaustion.
Today I wrote: 870 words
I’m struggling. with writing, with sewing, with socialising. I’m even finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve managed to do bits of writing, but it’s the bare minimum.
I feel sad. A heavy, tiring sadness. The melancholy is punctuated by moments of happiness. Today I saw my niece who spent the first ten minutes smiling at me and nuzzling my head with hers.
The happiness carried an undertone. We were spending the afternoon making decorations for my niece’s dedication on Sunday. I’m feeling pretty stressed about the day. I am going to the ceremony, and staying for tea and cakes afterwards. This will be a stressful event as there will be a lot of people there, most of whom I don’t know.
My sister invited me to a big family meal afterwards. There will be at least thirty people there, though I have been able to go out for food with friends, a big occasion with so many people and an unfamiliar restaurant will just be too much. I had to say no for my mental health.
It’s really really difficult making these kinds of decisions. I know my sister is disappointed. I’m trying very hard not to feel too bad about myself. The guilt is pretty overwhelming.
That day is also the only time I can see my father-in-law, for his birthday, before he goes on holiday. I know the morning will be difficult and tiring. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to make it out the house again to see him. I feel like I’ll be betraying my sister if I do anything at all. guilt piled on guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Guilt piled upon guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Another small niggle which seems to be triggering my eating disorder issues is skipping out on a run. I’ve recently felt well enough to start exercising again and have been trying to do Couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but, rather fittingly, couldn’t move from the couch when I got home.
So there’s my post. It’s miserable because I’m miserable. Here’s to a less miserable week.
Today’s word count: 500
Considering I’ve been either sleeping or throwing up for the past few days it will not surprise you that I have not done any writing. It was my plan to get the synopsis for my novel written by now.
I am almost feeling human again now and have managed to eat a little bit today. I think maybe I will be able to make a start on the synopsis tomorrow.
I’m happy enough that I’ve managed to write these words and posted on my other blog.
Time for another nap
Today’s Word count: 125
Today I wrote the second scene in a chapter. It’s far from perfect but I’m relatively happy with it. I still need to get to know this character a little more to be happy with the writing. I’ve got the substance done now, it’s just the style I want to work on. I find it incredibly difficult to leave a section alone. However I know if I keep trying to edit throughout this draft I will never actually have a completed novel.
That being said, I managed to spend most of the day avoiding writing. I even sent boring work emails and tidied before sitting down at my computer. It was six o’clock by the time I actually began writing. I honestly do not understand why my brain does this to me. I love writing, I hate tidying.
In reality there is a simple explanation.
I feel pressure to write.
Because I feel pressure I will avoid thinking about writing and hope the words will magically appear
Avoidance can only last so long.
The end of the day nears and words I realise the words have not magically appeared.
I feel guilty and tired. I then avoid thinking about my novel some more.
Today I managed to break that cycle by actually writing before it got too late. it feels good to have gotten a little down. It would be a lot easier if I could have done this earlier in the day. It’s pretty exhausted avoiding things all day. It makes my stomach hurt.
I have been a little wobbly over the past couple of days and every little ‘failure’ has felt overwhelming. I did not go into work today. The day in has helped me feel a little more centred and in control. Handily I received my Buddy Box the other day which has lots of lovely helpful bits in it. Also a couple of friends have sent me really lovely messages.
Thanks for reading, it helps me feel less alone.
Today’s Word count: 674
Just a little blog post today as it’s been a very good but exhausting. I had a great day out at a blogger’s meet up hosted by Sew Essential. It was so much fun! I started a sweet little embroidery project and had a lovely time chatting with fellow stitcher’s. I will have to rest for a very long time after this hectic week. I wrote my other blog today, and that’s it.
Today’s Word count : 116
Something is going on with my anxiety today. Things are just a bit more difficult than they should be. Town was incredibly busy today and it felt as though everyone was a threat.
No writing today, just anxiety. Flowy was a bit of a life saver tonight. I’ve no idea what tomorrow will bring.
The image is from Natalie Dee, check out more of her comics
I only wrote the first couple of sentences of a chapter today. I’m finding it very difficult to get started again. The screen hurts my eyes.
Yesterday we did the first stock take at Crafty. I spent the day counting buttons. It all sounds very fun, but after the first five tubes or so my head started to hurt. It hasn’t stopped hurting. My routine has still not settled back into place. I was in work on Tuesday and not today. I feel somewhat all over the place. One step at a time though right?
Two sentences is better than nothing.
Today’s Word count: 170
The picture of buttons is from the very talented artist Mike Savad, click on the link to see more of his work
I’ve had a lovely, if utterly exhausting trip to see my husbands family in Wales. it’s the biggest, most anxiety provoking thing I have attempted in over two years. I survived it. I also learned that a lot of family in Wales read my blog. Hi Guys. I will probably natter on about it a bit later in the week, for now however, I am way too tired for any of that.
The internet, essentially, does not exist in Conwy, hence my lack of posts. However I have been scribbling away in my new Hogwarts notebook.
I was inspired by a gorgeous walks around Bodnant Garden and Conwy Bay. We also frequented many a tea room including a lovely place in Llandudno called The Rabbit Hole.
The Rabbit Hole Café is a Social Enterprise set up by Aberconwy Mind to provide real work experience and training for people who have experienced or are experiencing mental health issues. All profits from the cafe are put back into the charity to continue delivering valuable support, training and mentoring for the trainees and volunteers. The Rabbit Hole places social value at the heart of how it works and believes that public services should be delivered in a way that provides maximum benefit to the local community. The project will provide other community based services therefore enabling it to be socially inclusive whilst offering innovative and inspirational activities to the wider community.
Spooky old fountain surrounded by dead wisteria
The Boat House
Waterfall to the Dell
Warming Fire near the Old Stables
Paper Bark Cherry
Over the past few days I managed to scribble down about 500 words so all in all my word count is 750