My husband has been ill with an undiagnosed stomach issue for coming up to two years now. We have seen many doctors and had umpteen tests. none of which have been able to shed any light on what is actually making him ill.
The most frustrating aspect of this illness is the unpredictability. it is almost impossible to plan things because we have no idea whether he will be well enough to leave the house. This is, unsurprisingly making him feel low.
It turns out I am pretty dreadful at coping with other people’s emotions. I find it incredibly difficult to negotiate my anxiety and depression when I feel like I should be caring for my husband. This week I hid within myself. Keeping busy until there’s no energy to keep going. My Novel seemed like a colossal mountain and even five minutes of mindfulness was almost unbearable because of the barrage of negative thoughts.
Things are a little better now. We’ve spoken and decided to have an action plan for keeping positive and motivated even when he has no energy. I did manage to work on my novel this morning and sorted out a bit of dialogue which was bugging me. The first Three scenes are now completed and I’m over halfway through the fourth.
Today’s Wordcount: 519
Simultaneously feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Out at a meal today I had the tightening of a dread knot in my stomach, clumsy words and an intense desire to leave the table and never return. I’ve not felt this way in a while. This morning I didn’t find any joy in writing my novel. Uncomfortable and anxious at the epic task ahead of me.
There are a plethora of reasons I could be feeling this way. I will always jump to the worst conclusion; My depression has returned with a vengeance and I will feel this way forever. However, it is far more likely that my busy week has left me feeling just a little run down. Not to mention a dramatic bus ride home in which I hugged a crying little girl as her drunken dad picked a fight.
I’ve avoided practising mindfulness and pilates, two activities that force me to pause in the day. Instead, I’ve been bulldozing through, sidestepping any silence. I have a check list for such scenarios.
- Tell the husband and support network
- Figure out what I’m feeling and why
- Practice self-care
- If things do not improve go to the doctor
- Address pressures and anxieties
- Look at Schedule to make sure I’m not pushing myself too hard.
- practise good sleep hygiene
- Eat regular healthy meals and snacks
- Keep to a consistent routine
- Leave the house at least once a day
- Practice Mindfulness
Word count since the last post: 1209
Today’s word count: 365
The antibiotics are working my chest is getting clearer and writing is getting easier. I’m onto a scene in which the plot and characters are similar if not the same as my previous drafts. Super short post but keeping that wordcount going
Today’s Wordcount: 334
I am once again on antibiotics for a chest infection and steroids for my asthma. This is my morning lot of medication.
However, I have been able to work a fair bit on my novel. I’ve made a little rewards chart for wordcount goal I reach. For the first 2100 words, I get a little reward for every 100 words. including, sharpening new pencils, buying a pack of Veggie Percy Pigs and having a bubble bath with scented candles. After that it’s rewards after every 200 words, then every 300 words. That should get me up to 10,000 words of my revised draft by new years.
As most of my ‘writing’ is editing and making small adjustments I am using
strikethrough instead of deleting so I can count my cutting as writing!
Today’s Wordcount: 618
This week’s word count: 1119
Oh yes, I’m feeling much better. My Asthma’s calmed down and I’m sure the side effects of steroids won’t even affect me anymore. I’ll be perfectly fine to go to Pride. Not even a big deal!
Oh dear god I’m going to die!
It turns out that having a weak throat from asthma then shouting for prolonged periods, of time due to the rocking beats at pride, leads to a particularly sore throat. My body is completed shattered. I will always underestimate how much asthma affects me.
But on the other hand….I had an awesome time! I regret nothing! I’m still finding glitter in my hair and buzzing from the fair rides.
I even managed to get a few words down today, in-between naps.
Today’s Wordcount (including yesterdays post): 565
Today has been a sleeping day. I had a mild asthma attack last night and like a good little patient, followed my asthma plan, and headed to the doctor’s this morning. I’ve started my course of steroids which bring a whole lot of side effects added to the exhaustion of asthma.
So yes I am grumpy and frustrated. Grustrated?
I did manage a bit of plotting today. Essentially just typing up notes but it still counts.
Today’s Wordcount: 221
Today I stuck to my routine! In the morning I sat at my computer and revised the first scene of my novel. Each revision gets a little easier. I did my first reading last Tuesday at writing group. I received really positive feedback. But reading it aloud I found it a little complicated and perhaps convoluted. I threw in a few too many names right away without giving a proper introduction. Thus revision feels clearer and a bit more fun too.
So the first revision was 615ish and this one is 732. It’s actually gone back to the word count of a previous draft but with way more detail and character.
Today’s wordcount: let’s say 851
Today was a little calmer. I’m still without my laptop and it’s more than a little infuriating. My mum’s very kindly loaned me some money and I ordered a shiney new laptop a couple hours ago.
Today I wrote a little post about a quilt I made for my niece’s second birthday. Actual numbers are less than accurate as the mobile app does not display a wordcount.
Today’s approximate wordcount: 308
So I just noticed that the last few blogs I’ve written have been to do with my mental health. I think this means I need to do more than simply writing to do lists.
I can plan to my hearts content but the reality is i’ve got a hell of a lot of events coming up. I’m not sure I have a quiet period til christmas.
Oh Lordy, Christmas! That’s another mountain to climb.
I’m writing this on my phone as my Chromebook has decided to shut down at random intervals. It’s where I tend to do most of my writing. I don’t dare now for fear of losing passages mid-sentance.
Today’s wordcount: 436, mostly the newsletter for work
I have been somewhat overwhelmed of late. My calendar is full and my mind won’t stay still. I find posting relaxing. It gives me a chance to collect my thoughts and process the day. There are times when my anxiety does not want me to take account of my days. I’m afraid that if I stop and think for a moment all those worries will come crashing down and engulf me.
So I keep on going, full speed ahead until I crash head first into a brick wall. I am attempting to circumnavigate the eventual injury by ensuring I keep to my routine. Alarms are reset, to do lists re-written time will not run riot over my days.
Word count for the last few days: 1,168