Between 2.30 and 4.30 a tired anxious lethargy comes upon me. Head buzzing with too many thoughts, acting on any one of those is near impossible. My body, tightly coiled. Do not touch me, do not come close. Shallow quick breaths. Food can help, so can rest if my mind allows.
I keep having to remind myself it has only been around two weeks since reducing sertraline. My body has had this high dose for years, the change won’t come easily or quickly. I woke up several times last night certain there was something to be afraid of.
Yesterday I visited the memorial plaque for an old friend at Bradgate Park Memorial Woods. She regularly visits my dreams. We’d grown apart years before she passed. She appears to me exactly like I remember her when we were teenagers. In these dreams I often remind her she is dead. She isn’t offend just nods her head and tells me not to worry about it. It’s then that I realise I am dreaming. I don’t know how she died, like me, she suffered from an eating disorder, we attended the same clinic though at different times.
Pain hits me more acutely now. Is this how it will continue or will there be respite as my body adjusts? Guilt and shame linger, always waiting for the most inopportune moments. An alert from my phone or an unexpected email sends nervous energy through my body. Neck hot and hands clammy. Decisions are paralysing and interruptions unbearable. Not all of the time, not like I remember back before medication and therapy. It’s like an echo of those times, reminding me I can slip back at any point. I’m afraid of slipping.
But it’s only been two weeks. Two weeks is not enough time for the body to adjust. I have done very little writing, the past few days have been full of doctors appointments, trips to the dentist and a million other small tasks that keep me from my writing, everything made more difficult by withdrawal.
Thanks for reading my meandering journal entry, maybe the next one will be cheerier. Stay safe if you can.
Today I wrote 361 words