I’m struggling. with writing, with sewing, with socialising. I’m even finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve managed to do bits of writing, but it’s the bare minimum.
I feel sad. A heavy, tiring sadness. The melancholy is punctuated by moments of happiness. Today I saw my niece who spent the first ten minutes smiling at me and nuzzling my head with hers.
The happiness carried an undertone. We were spending the afternoon making decorations for my niece’s dedication on Sunday. I’m feeling pretty stressed about the day. I am going to the ceremony, and staying for tea and cakes afterwards. This will be a stressful event as there will be a lot of people there, most of whom I don’t know.
My sister invited me to a big family meal afterwards. There will be at least thirty people there, though I have been able to go out for food with friends, a big occasion with so many people and an unfamiliar restaurant will just be too much. I had to say no for my mental health.
It’s really really difficult making these kinds of decisions. I know my sister is disappointed. I’m trying very hard not to feel too bad about myself. The guilt is pretty overwhelming.
That day is also the only time I can see my father-in-law, for his birthday, before he goes on holiday. I know the morning will be difficult and tiring. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to make it out the house again to see him. I feel like I’ll be betraying my sister if I do anything at all. guilt piled on guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Guilt piled upon guilt. I’ve been trying to do couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but couldn’t move from the sofa when I got home.
Another small niggle which seems to be triggering my eating disorder issues is skipping out on a run. I’ve recently felt well enough to start exercising again and have been trying to do Couch to 5k. I had scheduled to go out for a run this evening but, rather fittingly, couldn’t move from the couch when I got home.
So there’s my post. It’s miserable because I’m miserable. Here’s to a less miserable week.
Today’s word count: 500
Today I Wrote... 
Skipping my runs has gotten to be the easiest thing for me to do. I never regret going for a run, but I can almost always talk myself out of it before hand. And then I feel bad, which feeds my depression, which makes me want to run less, which makes me feel bad, which feeds my depression . . .
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Yup, I hear you.
I’m still trying to figure out if running is a positive or negative thing for my recovery. I used to exercise obsessively but managed to stop, and get up to a healthy weight, with a lot of help from my therapist. Now I think I’ve got a better attitude toward exercise. However, the horrible thoughts all come crashing back when I feel like I’ve failed by not going on a run. x
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Well, just back from a 4.5 mile run around the neighborhood. Went better than I expected, which was much needed. I’m feeling pretty good about myself right now. Sometimes this lasts a couple of days. Sometimes only a couple of hours. Still: always resent, never regret.
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